I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
