i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
