Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
