I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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