Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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