U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
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