I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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