I'm pants shitting drunk right now
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
