she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
