Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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