For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
