no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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