bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
