He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize