Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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