I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I just threw up on my dentist
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize