just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
D3 body, D1 cock
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
