yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
