life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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