last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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