I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize