When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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