And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
