theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
