She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
