When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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