at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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