You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
