The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Randomize
