I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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