I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize