Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
