i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
