You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
