dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
