then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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