I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
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