Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
