he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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