Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Randomize
