I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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