I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
