My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
