took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
