how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
