i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
