im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
