I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
