i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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