When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
