I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
