There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
