can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
