I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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