Whats the glycemic index on semen?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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