I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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