she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
