I swear she didn't look like that last week.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
